Sometimes I feel like crying out loud. Sometimes I look back on my week and realise how emotionally chaotic it was. The irrational thoughts, the insecurities, the overthinking. Sometimes I go over that one time in my mind, when I was unintentionally rude or abrupt to someone unnecessarily, or became an inconvenience to the people around me and honestly, it hurts a little inside that I was “that” person.
I try and then remind myself of the good things I’ve done in the week. Anything altruistic? Did I go out of my way for anyone? Did I sing something in a video that touched someone in a positive way? Because obviously, we all have to keep our self esteem in check with that little (ego) boost don’t we?
See we all like to think of ourselves as strong individuals. A lot of us undoubtedly are – you never really know about anyone’s hidden battles. But we strive for our lives to at least look squeaky clean; “picture perfect.” No glitches, everything running smoothly, according to our plans. Yup, I’ve done that, now on to the next stage. A levels? Done. Degree – under the belt. Internships? Jobs? Holidays? Travelling? Marriage? Family? Kids? Caught up in this successive progression of needing and wanting more and more. Do we even stop to think?
But then, something happens… Completely unexpected. Your life’s foundation torn from under your feet and you’re left sort of, well – bewildered. You question who you are, what you really want to be – and sometimes we need that wake up call to grow, to nourish ourselves and develop. But the point is, everyone goes through ups and downs, and it can be really crap. It can leave you at a complete loss, unaware of how to deal with your emotions. And like me, some of you might not be the greatest at actively dealing with them.
This year, I lost my spiritual guide. Baba Ji was someone I considered my father, my inspiration and the perfect mentor on how to be an amazing human being. It’s difficult to try and explain the connection and relationship I shared with him. But he was the one thing I never dreamt of or ever imagined losing. He was the connection between me and what I believe God to be. He was the reminder that actually, in essence – there is no difference; between me and God, between me and you. We are all collectively the same energy and nothing is separate. He was just there. So I knew everything would be okay… He was my assurance.
My mind works in a strange way. Only one or two people know this about me, but usually when I meet my loved ones, friends, relatives and particularly the elders of my family or wider community, I consciously think in my mind – this is potentially the last time I will ever see you as me, in this form – Vibhati – a soul.
You may think that’s quite dark. I guess it is in a way, but I’ve actually found so much peace in it. It makes me give that extra bit of warmth and love when I say goodbye to someone. Make that hug just a squeeze tighter. Just that one last smile or wave before I head off. Having a conscious thought that today may be your last, is terrifying but also riveting. The next morning when you wake, a sort of relief and sense of gratitude fills your body. A breath of fresh air. It seems strange, but it definitely keeps me on my toes to not take anything for granted. It’s also a constant reminder to look at the bigger picture. Is the problem bigger than me? (Which it never is.) Is this stress and pain just a thought? Am I just being outrightly hormonal and ridiculous right now? – Stop. Breathe. Be aware. Let it go.
Sometimes I can’t straight away, but eventually I take some quiet time alone and I get there. The process of being human right? I mean what even is being perfect and getting everything ‘right’ the first time round?
Because of this outlook, I thought I had the whole ‘life can throw anything my way’ on lockdown. I thought yeah I’m aware of potential unforeseen (awful) situations. I have my connection to Nirankar (formless/energy) I know that the universe has my back (hopefully) – I’ll be okay… What could possibly go so wrong?
How wrong I was. Fundamentally, I adopted this carefree and detached view on life because of what I’ve learnt from Baba Ji. But he never taught me how to apply the same to losing him.
All year I’ve been trying to deal and comprehend the void I feel within. I have bouts of feeling completely normal and then I hit rock bottom. It’s a process, an adaptation. I’m waiting to see what the journey ahead has in store.
Alongside everything else jaw dropping that has occurred this year – politically, the violent ignorance and heartbreaking amount of suffering and death – I still do hold hope in my heart and I pray that you do too.
I’m grateful for the positive people around me, that have carried me through till this point. I hope somehow, in some way I’ve impacted your year with a little happiness too.
What’s the meaning of life?
Life is relevant to time, and time is just a concept.
So in essence there is no real meaning to life.
The only thing that holds meaning to me, in my journey is experience.
Truth is my experience. Love is my experience.